http://bobbinggecko.blogspot.com/2007/07/letter-to-my-single-moho-friends.html
I found this interesting. Made me think a lot of my own husband.
Monday, October 13, 2008
The Deal Breaker and The Vicious Cycle
I am really at a loss most of the time when it comes to what to do about my marriage. I think about divorce, I do, as a real option. But I also think about staying with him as an option. I feel like I have to try to 'work on the marriage' to prove to myself and him that he truly cannot give me what I need.
Is the physical affection thing a deal breaker for me? Yeah. If he can't show genuine affection, then I can't do this anymore. However, if he can, I don't know that I really want it from him anymore. Is that a Catch 22?
Here's the vicious cycle of my thoughts:
We have other things in our relationship that are good, so what is my problem?
I could just learn to live this way.
But wait a minute, you have been living this way for almost 12 years and look where it's gotten you-twice! And look at how it affects how you treat your children.
I have to get out of this marriage.
But it could get better.
Do I care enough about him anymore to want it to get better?
Will I ever really be okay with being married to a man with same-sex attraction?
I haven't up until now, so why would it change?
Yes, this is hell.
Is the physical affection thing a deal breaker for me? Yeah. If he can't show genuine affection, then I can't do this anymore. However, if he can, I don't know that I really want it from him anymore. Is that a Catch 22?
Here's the vicious cycle of my thoughts:
We have other things in our relationship that are good, so what is my problem?
I could just learn to live this way.
But wait a minute, you have been living this way for almost 12 years and look where it's gotten you-twice! And look at how it affects how you treat your children.
I have to get out of this marriage.
But it could get better.
Do I care enough about him anymore to want it to get better?
Will I ever really be okay with being married to a man with same-sex attraction?
I haven't up until now, so why would it change?
Yes, this is hell.
Today, Now, and a Quasi-Separation
So, here we are today. I have almost completed another round of art therapy. My husband has or is about to complete his first time through.
About a week ago, I decided to talk to my Relief Society president about this. I specifically wanted her opinion on the little voice that I hate.
I've told (for the 1st time in our marriage) several people about him-
my parents (who already had it figured out),
my sister (that didn't bother him),
a church (the distinction is important) friend (this friend was at my house waiting at my door when I'd drove up from her husband's office after he'd given me a blessing. he'd called her and said, "she just left here in tears. you should go talk to her."),
a theatre friend (who is also gay and married to a hetero-when i told him i wanted a divorce and why, he told me i was being selfish),
and one of my best friends (who is also my husband's best friend).
When it was disclosed (months ago), that I'd told these people, he was livid. Especially about the best friend (and I did feel horrible about that one).
So after I told my RS pres., I felt intensely guilty (childhood issues are a part of that, too). I told him about it out of the guilt. He sat on it for a few days, then late one night told me how angry he was about it. That initial topic led to others which led to others and I was ready to blow. I told him I needed to be done with the discussion and left the room before I exploded. I went downstairs, used the bathroom, came out, and he was on the couch. He wanted to finish the conversation.
I asked him to go upstairs before I blew up. He didn't. And I exploded.
The next morning, I was horrible to the kids. We argued back and forth through texts about the night before and it's repercussions on that morning. He ultimately told me he was moving his bedroom into our home office. Everything in that office, he moved elsewhere. His clothes are now in the office closet. He procured a full size bed. He has a chair and two dressers in there, AND pictures up on the wall.
So for a week now, we've been in this mini-separation. And I'm about to finish the art therapy and am supposed to be thinking about working on the marriage...
What a joke.
About a week ago, I decided to talk to my Relief Society president about this. I specifically wanted her opinion on the little voice that I hate.
I've told (for the 1st time in our marriage) several people about him-
my parents (who already had it figured out),
my sister (that didn't bother him),
a church (the distinction is important) friend (this friend was at my house waiting at my door when I'd drove up from her husband's office after he'd given me a blessing. he'd called her and said, "she just left here in tears. you should go talk to her."),
a theatre friend (who is also gay and married to a hetero-when i told him i wanted a divorce and why, he told me i was being selfish),
and one of my best friends (who is also my husband's best friend).
When it was disclosed (months ago), that I'd told these people, he was livid. Especially about the best friend (and I did feel horrible about that one).
So after I told my RS pres., I felt intensely guilty (childhood issues are a part of that, too). I told him about it out of the guilt. He sat on it for a few days, then late one night told me how angry he was about it. That initial topic led to others which led to others and I was ready to blow. I told him I needed to be done with the discussion and left the room before I exploded. I went downstairs, used the bathroom, came out, and he was on the couch. He wanted to finish the conversation.
I asked him to go upstairs before I blew up. He didn't. And I exploded.
The next morning, I was horrible to the kids. We argued back and forth through texts about the night before and it's repercussions on that morning. He ultimately told me he was moving his bedroom into our home office. Everything in that office, he moved elsewhere. His clothes are now in the office closet. He procured a full size bed. He has a chair and two dressers in there, AND pictures up on the wall.
So for a week now, we've been in this mini-separation. And I'm about to finish the art therapy and am supposed to be thinking about working on the marriage...
What a joke.
Sunday, October 12, 2008
Telling Him/Reality Hits Me Square in the Face
So, I told him. One of the hardest things I've ever done.
He went through the gamut of emotions- understanding, intense sadness, anger, denial.
Our therapist suggested that before we decide to split, we need to work on our own individual issues about relationships, because regardless of what happens between us, we need to be healthier. Once we got to a healthier place, then we could think about what we were going to do about us. Part of this was that talking about the marriage was off-limits until then. I needed that assurance, especially, because my emotions were so ever-present, that I was prone to having outbursts of anger, sometimes rage. For the next month we tried to co-exist amongst an impossible emotional climate.
Then, he decided to leave for a while. He just couldn't take it anymore, not knowing what I'm thinking, feeling, all my mood swings. He wouldn't tell me where he was going. He said that he wouldn't come back until he felt he'd made significant progress with his own personal issues, and there were a couple of other conditions I don't remember. I was glad to see him go. It was a breath of fresh air. He was disappointed that I was so eager for his departure.
For a month we were separated. At the end of that month he wanted to come back. He told me this as we sat in front of our therapist. She said that I should only have him back if I felt I could really try to having loving feelings toward him. I knew I couldn't, but I said 'sure' anyway, because at this point I was so sure divorce was inevitable.
After a few days we were back in her office. He broke down and cried; his heart was broken. How that would affect me was not something I had considered. Then, when he calmed down, he and I were just at each other's throats. Our therapist told us that if this is what our relationship would be post-divorce, our children were doomed.
That was all it took, and I agreed to work on the marriage.
I suggested a deadline. Six months. He agreed. But that soon went down the toilet, because he was expecting us to hold hands and perhaps have sex as part of 'working on the marriage.' I thought he was losing his mind.
So back to working on personal issues and shelving the marriage issues. This was beyond frustrating for him. But I told him the ball was in his court. If he couldn't stand doing this again, then he could hit the road. This was a little over a month ago.
Sidenote: I think my story is unique in the way that most mixed-orientation marriages we hear about end up in the husband acting on his homosexuality. My husband, to my knowledge, has not. Sometimes I wish he would! It would make this so much easier for me. Because, if I'm being honest, there is a little voice inside me saying, "Suck it up! This life is short. So what if you may have to go without the core of what a relationship should be between a man and a woman, but you need to be grateful for what you do have and stop whining."
Now before you freak out, let me make it clear that I hate that voice. I shun the voice. I know that because of the lack of the core that I should have in a relationship, I am constantly frustrated, short-fused with my kids, and incomplete.
Back to the uniqueness-he hasn't acted on it (unless you count the porn/masturbation combo). I've fallen out of love with him. I'm the one that wants to end it, not the other way around (you know, the gay spouse wanting to come out and live the life).
He went through the gamut of emotions- understanding, intense sadness, anger, denial.
Our therapist suggested that before we decide to split, we need to work on our own individual issues about relationships, because regardless of what happens between us, we need to be healthier. Once we got to a healthier place, then we could think about what we were going to do about us. Part of this was that talking about the marriage was off-limits until then. I needed that assurance, especially, because my emotions were so ever-present, that I was prone to having outbursts of anger, sometimes rage. For the next month we tried to co-exist amongst an impossible emotional climate.
Then, he decided to leave for a while. He just couldn't take it anymore, not knowing what I'm thinking, feeling, all my mood swings. He wouldn't tell me where he was going. He said that he wouldn't come back until he felt he'd made significant progress with his own personal issues, and there were a couple of other conditions I don't remember. I was glad to see him go. It was a breath of fresh air. He was disappointed that I was so eager for his departure.
For a month we were separated. At the end of that month he wanted to come back. He told me this as we sat in front of our therapist. She said that I should only have him back if I felt I could really try to having loving feelings toward him. I knew I couldn't, but I said 'sure' anyway, because at this point I was so sure divorce was inevitable.
After a few days we were back in her office. He broke down and cried; his heart was broken. How that would affect me was not something I had considered. Then, when he calmed down, he and I were just at each other's throats. Our therapist told us that if this is what our relationship would be post-divorce, our children were doomed.
That was all it took, and I agreed to work on the marriage.
I suggested a deadline. Six months. He agreed. But that soon went down the toilet, because he was expecting us to hold hands and perhaps have sex as part of 'working on the marriage.' I thought he was losing his mind.
So back to working on personal issues and shelving the marriage issues. This was beyond frustrating for him. But I told him the ball was in his court. If he couldn't stand doing this again, then he could hit the road. This was a little over a month ago.
Sidenote: I think my story is unique in the way that most mixed-orientation marriages we hear about end up in the husband acting on his homosexuality. My husband, to my knowledge, has not. Sometimes I wish he would! It would make this so much easier for me. Because, if I'm being honest, there is a little voice inside me saying, "Suck it up! This life is short. So what if you may have to go without the core of what a relationship should be between a man and a woman, but you need to be grateful for what you do have and stop whining."
Now before you freak out, let me make it clear that I hate that voice. I shun the voice. I know that because of the lack of the core that I should have in a relationship, I am constantly frustrated, short-fused with my kids, and incomplete.
Back to the uniqueness-he hasn't acted on it (unless you count the porn/masturbation combo). I've fallen out of love with him. I'm the one that wants to end it, not the other way around (you know, the gay spouse wanting to come out and live the life).
How I Got to Where I Am
Between the last time I wanted a divorce (6 years ago) and now, denial and delusion have been my friends (as they have been my entire marriage, really). For these 6 years, I've rarely let myself think that I wasn't doing the right thing (staying with him for the kids, our covenants, etc). When I did let myself doubt, it was fleeting.
Last year sometime, I truly can't remember exactly when, I found myself severely depressed. It got to the point where I wanted to die. In February of this year, I thought about suicide for the first time in my life, and it scared the hell out of me. I went to my therapist, and she strongly recommended an art therapy she'd discovered (Drawing From the Heart, by Barbara Ganim). I was all for it. After almost 9 years, off and on, of therapy, I was needing something more hands on. I was so excited.
She was doing the art therapy in a group format. I didn't mind this at all. I picked up my sketch book and pastels at Robert's and headed to my first group session with more enthusiasm than I'd had about anything in months.
Before the full course of the art therapy was completed, it had pulled me out of my depression-completely. I finished the course in April and went about my life no longer depressed, but still not honestly facing what I was going through because of my marriage.
Well, the thing with this art therapy is that it doesn't stop working just because you've finished all of the exercises. The results keep going, in their own time, without you even trying-amazing.
In May, my husband was directing a play in a town that's a 3 hour drive from where we are. It was a 6 week process, and he came home 3 or 4 times in that 6 weeks.
About 2 weeks into it, I realized I didn't miss him. I didn't think a whole lot of it, until he'd come home for a visit and I'd realize I didn't want him here. I just wanted him to leave.
I decided to run this by my therapist. Here's what she and I decided together:
I didn't miss him because there was nothing to miss; we have no intimacy in our relationship (we did have a sex life, but it and every other aspect of our relationship lacked intimacy).
I paint the picture for him-the family, the home, the church-going...
I didn't want him home, because something somewhere inside of me was telling me that I didn't want to paint that for him anymore. I was done playing this game.
It was time to rock the boat, and tell him that I will not continue in the marriage if there continues to be no intimacy.
I need to give myself permission to think about divorce as a real option, not that that was the answer necessarily, but an option that was okay for me to think about.
My children can be fine if we divorce (and may be better off), but only if he and I remain friends and co-parent our children.
In a matter of minutes following our session, I knew what I really wanted was a divorce, and not to give him a chance to show me intimacy. I felt so free. Giving myself permission to entertain the idea of divorce was an awakening, because, truth finally be known and not ignored any longer, I had always felt I'd made a mistake marrying someone with his issue.
I cried and cried when I thought about living without him, my friend and father of my children. I cried to think how it would hurt him when I finally told him all of this. I cried to think about how my life would completely change.
Bottom line: I had been deteriorating for 11 & 1/2 years and needed and deserved someone who could love me the way I wanted, who found me physically attractive, and could show me that.
Last year sometime, I truly can't remember exactly when, I found myself severely depressed. It got to the point where I wanted to die. In February of this year, I thought about suicide for the first time in my life, and it scared the hell out of me. I went to my therapist, and she strongly recommended an art therapy she'd discovered (Drawing From the Heart, by Barbara Ganim). I was all for it. After almost 9 years, off and on, of therapy, I was needing something more hands on. I was so excited.
She was doing the art therapy in a group format. I didn't mind this at all. I picked up my sketch book and pastels at Robert's and headed to my first group session with more enthusiasm than I'd had about anything in months.
Before the full course of the art therapy was completed, it had pulled me out of my depression-completely. I finished the course in April and went about my life no longer depressed, but still not honestly facing what I was going through because of my marriage.
Well, the thing with this art therapy is that it doesn't stop working just because you've finished all of the exercises. The results keep going, in their own time, without you even trying-amazing.
In May, my husband was directing a play in a town that's a 3 hour drive from where we are. It was a 6 week process, and he came home 3 or 4 times in that 6 weeks.
About 2 weeks into it, I realized I didn't miss him. I didn't think a whole lot of it, until he'd come home for a visit and I'd realize I didn't want him here. I just wanted him to leave.
I decided to run this by my therapist. Here's what she and I decided together:
I didn't miss him because there was nothing to miss; we have no intimacy in our relationship (we did have a sex life, but it and every other aspect of our relationship lacked intimacy).
I paint the picture for him-the family, the home, the church-going...
I didn't want him home, because something somewhere inside of me was telling me that I didn't want to paint that for him anymore. I was done playing this game.
It was time to rock the boat, and tell him that I will not continue in the marriage if there continues to be no intimacy.
I need to give myself permission to think about divorce as a real option, not that that was the answer necessarily, but an option that was okay for me to think about.
My children can be fine if we divorce (and may be better off), but only if he and I remain friends and co-parent our children.
In a matter of minutes following our session, I knew what I really wanted was a divorce, and not to give him a chance to show me intimacy. I felt so free. Giving myself permission to entertain the idea of divorce was an awakening, because, truth finally be known and not ignored any longer, I had always felt I'd made a mistake marrying someone with his issue.
I cried and cried when I thought about living without him, my friend and father of my children. I cried to think how it would hurt him when I finally told him all of this. I cried to think about how my life would completely change.
Bottom line: I had been deteriorating for 11 & 1/2 years and needed and deserved someone who could love me the way I wanted, who found me physically attractive, and could show me that.
Wednesday, October 1, 2008
A bit about me...
I am writing this blog to get my feelings out more effectively, specifically my feelings about being married to a man with same-sex attraction, also known as SSA or same-gender attraction. Situations like mine have been referred to as Mixed-Orientation marriages. Call it whatever you want, my situation is my own.
I won't deny that many of these situations have similarities (pornography, depression, gay spouse acts on his attractions) or end up the same (couple gets separated or divorced), but I am a unique individual as is my husband. We have unique thoughts, feelings, upbringings, and personalities.
I am LDS (Latter-day Saint, Mormon), 33 years old, have been married for nearly 12 years and have 4 children. I have always been a stay-at-home mom, but try to find odd jobs or seasonal/temporary jobs when we need the money.
I will give a brief idea of my experience here in this introductory post:
My husband has a lesbian sister, which he introduced me to while we were dating. One night in his car, he told me there was something I needed to know. "I have the same problem my sister has." He made it clear that he'd never acted on it.
I wasn't too surprised, and it didn't sway me from wanting to be with him. I was 20 years old (extremely naive) and believed that between myself and God, the problem would just go away.
We married and had our first child in the 2nd year of our marriage. While I was pregnant with our 2nd (in the 3rd year of our marriage), he had been managing a small restaurant. He told me that he'd been looking at porn on his computer at work (we didn't have one at home yet). I asked if it was gay porn (see my naivete), and he replied, "Well...yeah." I also didn't get at the time that masturbation was a part of that until later.
I was not angry about the porn or masturbation at all. I truly just felt pity for him and wanted to help him in anyway I could.
He confessed a couple more times about looking at porn, each time I became a little less sympathetic and a little more perturbed. He always became severely depressed after looking at the porn. It happened in bouts, less like an addiction. He says that the longest he's gone without viewing it was 2 years.
Well, about 5 years into our marriage, I was drained, sucked dry because of his lack of affection due to the homosexuality issue and/or his depression about it. I realized I'd been deteriorating because my husband didn't show me affection or he wasn't physically attracted to me. I wanted to end the marriage.
That desire didn't last too long-number 3 was on the way, and I had had parents who were miserable with each other but stayed together, so I did as I had learned from them.
Six years after that (today) I've had it. I refuse to go on with a man who does not find me attractive/show me affection. I'm done dwindling away. I'm done being frustrated and taking that frustration out on my children.
So, something has got to give.
I won't deny that many of these situations have similarities (pornography, depression, gay spouse acts on his attractions) or end up the same (couple gets separated or divorced), but I am a unique individual as is my husband. We have unique thoughts, feelings, upbringings, and personalities.
I am LDS (Latter-day Saint, Mormon), 33 years old, have been married for nearly 12 years and have 4 children. I have always been a stay-at-home mom, but try to find odd jobs or seasonal/temporary jobs when we need the money.
I will give a brief idea of my experience here in this introductory post:
My husband has a lesbian sister, which he introduced me to while we were dating. One night in his car, he told me there was something I needed to know. "I have the same problem my sister has." He made it clear that he'd never acted on it.
I wasn't too surprised, and it didn't sway me from wanting to be with him. I was 20 years old (extremely naive) and believed that between myself and God, the problem would just go away.
We married and had our first child in the 2nd year of our marriage. While I was pregnant with our 2nd (in the 3rd year of our marriage), he had been managing a small restaurant. He told me that he'd been looking at porn on his computer at work (we didn't have one at home yet). I asked if it was gay porn (see my naivete), and he replied, "Well...yeah." I also didn't get at the time that masturbation was a part of that until later.
I was not angry about the porn or masturbation at all. I truly just felt pity for him and wanted to help him in anyway I could.
He confessed a couple more times about looking at porn, each time I became a little less sympathetic and a little more perturbed. He always became severely depressed after looking at the porn. It happened in bouts, less like an addiction. He says that the longest he's gone without viewing it was 2 years.
Well, about 5 years into our marriage, I was drained, sucked dry because of his lack of affection due to the homosexuality issue and/or his depression about it. I realized I'd been deteriorating because my husband didn't show me affection or he wasn't physically attracted to me. I wanted to end the marriage.
That desire didn't last too long-number 3 was on the way, and I had had parents who were miserable with each other but stayed together, so I did as I had learned from them.
Six years after that (today) I've had it. I refuse to go on with a man who does not find me attractive/show me affection. I'm done dwindling away. I'm done being frustrated and taking that frustration out on my children.
So, something has got to give.
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