A bit about me...

I am writing this blog to get my feelings out more effectively, specifically my feelings about being married to a man with same-sex attraction, also known as SSA or same-gender attraction. Situations like mine have been referred to as Mixed-Orientation marriages. Call it whatever you want, my situation is my own.

I won't deny that many of these situations have similarities (pornography, depression, gay spouse acts on his attractions) or end up the same (couple gets separated or divorced), but I am a unique individual as is my husband. We have unique thoughts, feelings, upbringings, and personalities.

I am LDS (Latter-day Saint, Mormon), 33 years old, have been married for nearly 12 years and have 4 children. I have always been a stay-at-home mom, but try to find odd jobs or seasonal/temporary jobs when we need the money.

I will give a brief idea of my experience here in this introductory post:

My husband has a lesbian sister, which he introduced me to while we were dating. One night in his car, he told me there was something I needed to know. "I have the same problem my sister has." He made it clear that he'd never acted on it.

I wasn't too surprised, and it didn't sway me from wanting to be with him. I was 20 years old (extremely naive) and believed that between myself and God, the problem would just go away.

We married and had our first child in the 2nd year of our marriage. While I was pregnant with our 2nd (in the 3rd year of our marriage), he had been managing a small restaurant. He told me that he'd been looking at porn on his computer at work (we didn't have one at home yet). I asked if it was gay porn (see my naivete), and he replied, "Well...yeah." I also didn't get at the time that masturbation was a part of that until later.

I was not angry about the porn or masturbation at all. I truly just felt pity for him and wanted to help him in anyway I could.

He confessed a couple more times about looking at porn, each time I became a little less sympathetic and a little more perturbed. He always became severely depressed after looking at the porn. It happened in bouts, less like an addiction. He says that the longest he's gone without viewing it was 2 years.

Well, about 5 years into our marriage, I was drained, sucked dry because of his lack of affection due to the homosexuality issue and/or his depression about it. I realized I'd been deteriorating because my husband didn't show me affection or he wasn't physically attracted to me. I wanted to end the marriage.

That desire didn't last too long-number 3 was on the way, and I had had parents who were miserable with each other but stayed together, so I did as I had learned from them.

Six years after that (today) I've had it. I refuse to go on with a man who does not find me attractive/show me affection. I'm done dwindling away. I'm done being frustrated and taking that frustration out on my children.

So, something has got to give.