The Deal Breaker and The Vicious Cycle

I am really at a loss most of the time when it comes to what to do about my marriage. I think about divorce, I do, as a real option. But I also think about staying with him as an option. I feel like I have to try to 'work on the marriage' to prove to myself and him that he truly cannot give me what I need.

Is the physical affection thing a deal breaker for me? Yeah. If he can't show genuine affection, then I can't do this anymore. However, if he can, I don't know that I really want it from him anymore. Is that a Catch 22?

Here's the vicious cycle of my thoughts:

We have other things in our relationship that are good, so what is my problem?

I could just learn to live this way.

But wait a minute, you have been living this way for almost 12 years and look where it's gotten you-twice! And look at how it affects how you treat your children.

I have to get out of this marriage.

But it could get better.

Do I care enough about him anymore to want it to get better?

Will I ever really be okay with being married to a man with same-sex attraction?

I haven't up until now, so why would it change?

Yes, this is hell.