Between the last time I wanted a divorce (6 years ago) and now, denial and delusion have been my friends (as they have been my entire marriage, really). For these 6 years, I've rarely let myself think that I wasn't doing the right thing (staying with him for the kids, our covenants, etc). When I did let myself doubt, it was fleeting.
Last year sometime, I truly can't remember exactly when, I found myself severely depressed. It got to the point where I wanted to die. In February of this year, I thought about suicide for the first time in my life, and it scared the hell out of me. I went to my therapist, and she strongly recommended an art therapy she'd discovered (Drawing From the Heart, by Barbara Ganim). I was all for it. After almost 9 years, off and on, of therapy, I was needing something more hands on. I was so excited.
She was doing the art therapy in a group format. I didn't mind this at all. I picked up my sketch book and pastels at Robert's and headed to my first group session with more enthusiasm than I'd had about anything in months.
Before the full course of the art therapy was completed, it had pulled me out of my depression-completely. I finished the course in April and went about my life no longer depressed, but still not honestly facing what I was going through because of my marriage.
Well, the thing with this art therapy is that it doesn't stop working just because you've finished all of the exercises. The results keep going, in their own time, without you even trying-amazing.
In May, my husband was directing a play in a town that's a 3 hour drive from where we are. It was a 6 week process, and he came home 3 or 4 times in that 6 weeks.
About 2 weeks into it, I realized I didn't miss him. I didn't think a whole lot of it, until he'd come home for a visit and I'd realize I didn't want him here. I just wanted him to leave.
I decided to run this by my therapist. Here's what she and I decided together:
I didn't miss him because there was nothing to miss; we have no intimacy in our relationship (we did have a sex life, but it and every other aspect of our relationship lacked intimacy).
I paint the picture for him-the family, the home, the church-going...
I didn't want him home, because something somewhere inside of me was telling me that I didn't want to paint that for him anymore. I was done playing this game.
It was time to rock the boat, and tell him that I will not continue in the marriage if there continues to be no intimacy.
I need to give myself permission to think about divorce as a real option, not that that was the answer necessarily, but an option that was okay for me to think about.
My children can be fine if we divorce (and may be better off), but only if he and I remain friends and co-parent our children.
In a matter of minutes following our session, I knew what I really wanted was a divorce, and not to give him a chance to show me intimacy. I felt so free. Giving myself permission to entertain the idea of divorce was an awakening, because, truth finally be known and not ignored any longer, I had always felt I'd made a mistake marrying someone with his issue.
I cried and cried when I thought about living without him, my friend and father of my children. I cried to think how it would hurt him when I finally told him all of this. I cried to think about how my life would completely change.
Bottom line: I had been deteriorating for 11 & 1/2 years and needed and deserved someone who could love me the way I wanted, who found me physically attractive, and could show me that.
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2 comments:
This is one of those things that somebody who hasn't been there doesn't understand. After Russell Nelson's talk this week, I wrote a letter to one of the people who counseled me to marry my "ex" 24 years ago and told him of the difference for me as a woman to be with a straight man--not that I can put my finger on it. I thought since I did know and that my ex and I loved each other, that we had a good marriage. AND you can't describe the slow deterioration of your femaleness, your slow shutting off of emotion so you don't feel. You become the walking dead. He's been gone longer than he was here, and I'm still not awake (I had kids to raise).
You can have a good relationship not married. I have one with my ex. It works a lot better now because we aren't "toxic" to each other. He lives on my property in his motor home. It took many years to get to this point, but it is doable.
The thing the 'brethren' overlook is that we, as females, aren't getting our needs met either. We may be with a man, but we are with a gay man--it has far-reaching consequences. It shows you in subtle ways that it is NOT all about sex for gays. It created a much better understanding for me of my ex's feelings by having sex with someone who desired me.
I actually think this is what is missing in a lot of mormon marriages that I have witnessed. Everyone has been taught to suppress their desires. I NEED to feel desired. It is essential to my mental and emotional wellbeing.
What you want is doable. If your husband ever wants to talk to my ex--let me know. He might be surprised by how well you can work this all out.
I didn't notice your blog name!!! Strawberry Girl. I love strawberries (not to eat)--things with strawberries on them and my daughter has picked that up, too. Her e-mail address is strawberry_rincess (I called her rincess as a little girl--not princess). I collect things with strawberries and people give them to me all the time. Most of my kitchen is strawberries.
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